Safe from Denial

I think I finally have the emotional strength to write a longer post today. The past few days have been an emotional roller-coaster.

Before I went to the Rheumy I had googled what to expect from the appointment and been led to lots of stuff on RA, so I knew a bit about it and was sure I did not have it. I blew the pain in my shoulder off as sleeping on it wrong, and I had probably just injured my fingers and not realized it.

Going into the eye doctor appointment on Friday I was not worried, because I was sure I was fine, and even most people with auto-immune arthritis do not even have eye inflammation. There was really no reason to worry myself. As soon as the doctor saw me he asked if I had JRA, I said it was a possibility, and the exam was just a precaution. Sitting there my bubble was burst, inflammation was found in my left eye, I had some form of auto-immune arthritis.

By the time I got home from school Friday the eye doctor had already faxed my Rheumy his findings, and my Rheumy had already called my parents and gave them the name of a new eye specialist, and I had an appointment scheduled with the new eye specialist. Yet I still told myself the doctor had said the inflammation was only low grade. As I looked up more RA stories, it seemed everyone was really sick at the time of there diagnosis. I just did not seen to fit this description, with mainly four large joints affected.

As if my body had to prove a point to me that it really is sick, this weekend has been miserable. I have had terrible pain in my left shoulder/neck area , more fingers bad than good, and my hips and knees killed as usual. Not helping the situation I was at a leadership training overnight for my youth group on Saturday night, and we got a grand total of 2.5 hours of sleep (which were on a hard wood floor).

Today I could barely lift my left arm due to my shoulder and I am close to tears from the pain in my hips. I seem to be able to keep my fingers/hands in check as long as I take my meds on time. This is my body's way of keeping me from going in to denial. I guess my story is similar to the other.

Luckily I do not have any doctor appointments this week so I have a little time to finish processing the information before getting anymore. Although I would really like to know what the next steps are for me because it seems like there are so many possibility, and speculation/curiosity+ Google =freak out.

Google and I currently have a love hate relationship.

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