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When You Just Can't Push Through

No one will ever be harder on yourself than you are.

When I was diagnosed with AMPS a couple months ago I was told I needed to push through the pain. This idea was reaffirmed when I went to see the PT and OT at CHOP. This is what I have been doing. I have not missed a single class because of my health yet this year. Besides for when the Mobic did not work I have not gotten to the point where I have called my Rheumy. I have not missed a commitment or scheduled event.

I am proud of all these things but at some point the pain started getting even worse this week, something had to give. I did everything I normally do plus put some of the anti-inflammatory fancy cream on a few joints. It is homecoming weekend, I was going to push pass this flare, I had to push passed it. Two weeks ago I had decided I was going to go out this weekend, yet here I am writing this blog post instead (not that I don't enjoy blogging but...).

The past couple of mornings haven't been pretty. I have had to wait 20 minutes from the time I get up until I even attempt to get out of bed, key work being attempt. Attempt meaning I try to stand up, my legs start giving out due to a mixture of stiffness, pain, weakness, etc. I quickly sit back in bed for a couple minutes, then use furniture to support me until my steps are steady enough to support myself. By the time I get to the bathroom to take a shower I need a break, I have to rest before and after my shower. Somehow I have managed to make it to all my classes this week and the homecoming football game today.

That brings me today, I got up for the football game and my joints were BAD, not like a little pain, it was searing and there was a good amount of swelling, actually I don't know why I am using past tense there still is. Somehow with compression sleeves and braces I managed to make it through the homecoming tailgate and until halftime. I am done though, I can't push through anymore. I feel defeated. I feel like I am failing myself by not going out with all my friends, failing my doctor's instructions.
Tonight is an Ice Pack Kind of Night

Hip Update: I GRADUATED PT! Thats right, I passed all the test, range of motion, balance, and even strength!

GI/Side Effects Update: Even though Protonix (the newest PPI I am on) has made the side effects better, to the point I should be able to stay out of the ER, there is still a ton of breakthrough stomach pain. I have ran out of options besides actually seeing a GI specialist so I made an appointment to see one at the end of the month at CHOP.

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