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When I Feel Like I am Banging My Head Against the Wall



In the past couple months of my life I have felt like I have been trying so to get my health in order but the harder I try the worse it goes. At my last rheumatologist appointment about 2 months ago between my knee pain and lost ROM in my left hip we decided maybe it was time to try PT again.

I was ready to hit these problems head on. Prepared to make PT work. It HAD to work. The other options weren't pretty. If it didn't I would probably be sent for a knee ultrasound (that isn't the bad part, and then either Prednisone (a.k.a. Satin's Tic-Tacs) or even worse sent back to ortho. Last time I saw my ortho he told me to come back when I was ready for knee surgery.

I went to my PT evaluation hopeful. I soon found out my PT also had a hip scope for FAI. Everything seemed to be going well. I made a lovely sticker chart to keep track of ding my home exercises everyday. It had glitter! And owl stickers to go on it! What more do I need to keep me on track?
My second appointment however did not go as well. POTS was acting up, all the sudden I realized this was not going to be easy. For as much time in my life as I have spent in PT, with POTS it is a whole different ball game. From then on out things seemed to get worse at each appointment. I was only going once a week because of school plus work plus other medical stuff. My hip made a little progress but not my knees. And once my lungs started having issues all bets where off. Apparently being able to breathe really helps with PT.

So here I am, doing home exercises for the next couple weeks until my next appointment. Instead of increasing my appointments at the end of the semester we are decreasing them  because I am not physically handling PT well. I am trying so hard to push through like I have in the past but this time I am not pushing through pain, I am gasping for air and fighting with my cardio-vascular system, pushing through leads to passing out. Yet I need to find a way to keep going.

Today I had a reminder of what I was up against. I may have pushed myself too hard. I had an awards ceremony followed by volunteering for the College of Education graduation today. Which was fun but my job required me to go outside for a while, which I actually did okay during. However towards the end I was talking to my friend and the woman who was in charge of all the volunteers. I started laughing at something and before I knew it I was gasping for air, having a pre-syncope episode, and on the ground. I am pretty sure I never lost consciousness but I felt bad for the two people I was with. I think they were more freaked out than me. There I sat on the floor as I took some Midodrine for my blood pressure and albuterol to help me breath with a bag of chips. If I couldn't function in daily life how I am I supposed to conquer PT?

I know I will figure it out. I have no intentions of giving up. If I don't keep up with PT I can say goodbye to joint function so I am going to persevere. I just also need to be okay with myself if I struggle a little.

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